I want to help you get your foot out of your mouth!

Today I was asked (again), if Esther was "mine" or if she was "adopted". I told the woman that she was adopted but in my head added "which still makes her mine". While most of my clever retorts stay in my head during these verbal exchanges, I just might start saying them out loud. Typically I hold back because I do not want to embarrass the person who has just made an insensitive remark. But I am starting to wonder, as Esther becomes more cognizant of the world around her, if she would be better off by my correcting these remarks.  How must it feel to go through life having weekly if not daily comments made questioning your parentage?

And the comments have been much worse. I was once asked by a lab tech if Esther's birth mother had a hard time giving her up or if she just did not care (Esther was sitting in my lap). In that case, I did give a lengthly treatise on the issue of AIDS/ poverty and orphans in Ethiopia. I know that people mean no intentional harm- but it does not erase the sting from their words. At times people are even sincerely interested in my story of adoption - their hearts are in the right place. But discussing my daughter's abandonment in Ethiopia is not an appropriate birthday party conversation, especially in front of her and her friends. 

But it is not just adoption that cause people put their feet  in their mouths. I have a friend with five kids and people have asked her multiple times throughout the years if a new pregnancy/baby was "on purpose"  or "if they meant to get pregnant" . Even more offensive is the " You know how that happens, right?" comments that are said jokingly. Those who struggle with infertility face their own problems with unintentionally insensitive comments like "  "Don't you think it is time to start a family ".  How heartbreaking that must be to a woman struggling through infertility.

And it seems that people do not just save their comments for adults. My teenage friend had a teacher tell her that her dad was too young to be her dad. Huh? How on earth does a girl respond to that? The obvious retort "maybe you are too dumb to be a teacher" would probably be frowned upon by school administration, but it would be well deserved.

My son is a much lighter shade than his father;My niece is a much lighter shade than her mother- both have had the insensitive comments from strangers. I have a friend who has been asked if she is "the nanny".  Seriously people- in a world were companies sponsor seminars on political correctness and cultural sensitivity, this is ridiculous. Why is it culturally acceptable to comment on other children (or lack of) whenever the mood seems to strike?

Throughout the last few years, I have been coming up with a list of common sense "rules of engagement" when dealing with families that seem a little different from ones own. I use them myself. 


1. Assume that if a child is with an adult, that adult is their parent. They can tell you otherwise if your assumption ends up incorrect. And just for the record, most people are already doing that if the child happens to be the same color as the parent. Every light skinned, blue eyed child that has ever been with me has been assumed to be mine.
2. People's fertility (or lack of it) is never your business. Never.
3. If you are interested in adoption (because you would like to adopt) invite the parents out for lunch (or a steak dinner). Ask your questions there, away from the kids. If you are just curious- well remember what happened to the cat.

Finally... If you are reading this, please do not try and think back to every possible comment you may have ever made to me about adoption, about Esther, about anything.  I have made my own awkward statement s in the past (hence my list of rules).  But I think it is time that we start to think about how our comments about children and their parentage/ race/ color makes the parents and the child feel.