I want to help you get your foot out of your mouth!

Today I was asked (again), if Esther was "mine" or if she was "adopted". I told the woman that she was adopted but in my head added "which still makes her mine". While most of my clever retorts stay in my head during these verbal exchanges, I just might start saying them out loud. Typically I hold back because I do not want to embarrass the person who has just made an insensitive remark. But I am starting to wonder, as Esther becomes more cognizant of the world around her, if she would be better off by my correcting these remarks.  How must it feel to go through life having weekly if not daily comments made questioning your parentage?

And the comments have been much worse. I was once asked by a lab tech if Esther's birth mother had a hard time giving her up or if she just did not care (Esther was sitting in my lap). In that case, I did give a lengthly treatise on the issue of AIDS/ poverty and orphans in Ethiopia. I know that people mean no intentional harm- but it does not erase the sting from their words. At times people are even sincerely interested in my story of adoption - their hearts are in the right place. But discussing my daughter's abandonment in Ethiopia is not an appropriate birthday party conversation, especially in front of her and her friends. 

But it is not just adoption that cause people put their feet  in their mouths. I have a friend with five kids and people have asked her multiple times throughout the years if a new pregnancy/baby was "on purpose"  or "if they meant to get pregnant" . Even more offensive is the " You know how that happens, right?" comments that are said jokingly. Those who struggle with infertility face their own problems with unintentionally insensitive comments like "  "Don't you think it is time to start a family ".  How heartbreaking that must be to a woman struggling through infertility.

And it seems that people do not just save their comments for adults. My teenage friend had a teacher tell her that her dad was too young to be her dad. Huh? How on earth does a girl respond to that? The obvious retort "maybe you are too dumb to be a teacher" would probably be frowned upon by school administration, but it would be well deserved.

My son is a much lighter shade than his father;My niece is a much lighter shade than her mother- both have had the insensitive comments from strangers. I have a friend who has been asked if she is "the nanny".  Seriously people- in a world were companies sponsor seminars on political correctness and cultural sensitivity, this is ridiculous. Why is it culturally acceptable to comment on other children (or lack of) whenever the mood seems to strike?

Throughout the last few years, I have been coming up with a list of common sense "rules of engagement" when dealing with families that seem a little different from ones own. I use them myself. 


1. Assume that if a child is with an adult, that adult is their parent. They can tell you otherwise if your assumption ends up incorrect. And just for the record, most people are already doing that if the child happens to be the same color as the parent. Every light skinned, blue eyed child that has ever been with me has been assumed to be mine.
2. People's fertility (or lack of it) is never your business. Never.
3. If you are interested in adoption (because you would like to adopt) invite the parents out for lunch (or a steak dinner). Ask your questions there, away from the kids. If you are just curious- well remember what happened to the cat.

Finally... If you are reading this, please do not try and think back to every possible comment you may have ever made to me about adoption, about Esther, about anything.  I have made my own awkward statement s in the past (hence my list of rules).  But I think it is time that we start to think about how our comments about children and their parentage/ race/ color makes the parents and the child feel.

Oh, Baby, Baby it's a Wild World

" Oh, baby, baby it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child" [Cat Stevens] 

Hear Cat Steven's Sing "Wild World"! 

Yesterday was Gideon's first day of Kindergarten.  As he is said, "He was so so so excited!" I felt like we had prepared for this day for weeks, or even months. We finally had the correct water bottle; he had a nice supply of school uniforms; he knows how to read a few words; he understands rudimentary addition and subtraction. He was ready!

But was mom ready? Up until now I have been able to control his world. I pick his friends, I watch him eat most of meals, I work with him on his morals and behavor. Now he will be spending 7.5 hours a  day at school. Was he ready?

I carefully chose his school- Gideon attends a school that focuses on reading (The goal of the school is that all children read at grade level. If a child cannot, they are automatically given extra help), but also has a strict behavior policy. Their school motto is "Do to others as you would have them do to you".  Which I like much better the typical school motto, ie: "There are no bad children only bad parents".

Yesterday morning I went to wake Gideon at 6:15am. We are not morning people. Gideon begged me to let him sleep a little longer so that "he could grow a little more." I told him to get up and start getting dressed," Today was the first day of Kindergarten." He dressed himself in his uniform and ate his breakfast. Percy was going in late that morning so that he could go with me to drop Gideon off at school. We loaded up into the car. When we got to school, he put his backpack on and we waited with the Reckes for the doors to open. We walked to his classroom- Immediately when he walked in, he scanned the wall for his name on the backpack rack and hung up his backpack. He went to his seat, sat down and begin coloring. I stepped back and just watched him- that was the point when I felt a little teary. Because I realized that he was very ready and so was I.


It was time. He had conquered his speech issues (mostly); we had his health under control (usually); and his behavior and listening skills had improved markedly. He was ready for the next step- learning how to cope in a world not created by his mommy. He is ready to be faced with moral dilemmas and to make his own choices. 

I realized I felt a little teary because I was proud of him.  He was a such a big boy and looked so handsome in his uniform. It does not make me sad that he was growing up- I am not one of those moms that want my children to stay babies forever. I enjoy my children more and more as they get older-

I am looking forward to upcoming years, and watching my kids mature, marry and have children of their own. But like the song says " I will always remember you as a child".